Writers’ Group: Humorous Essay on Getting Old…

. . . . before I sleep

By Robert Rabin

 

“Before you come up, can you check the garage door?”

Check. Garage door is down

Push button to lock door from kitchen to garage

Check other doors: Side door to driveway, back door to patio, other side door to screened porch, front door

Turn handle and pull each one hard

Turn on table lamp in dining room to ward off burglars

Same for ceiling light in back vestibule

Did I check garage door? Yes, it’s down

Make sure hybrid car is turned off and not accidentally running in garage, asphyxiating us

Seasonal (summer): click key fobs and watch for yellow tail lights to blink, to make sure cars in driveway are locked

Double check that all five doors are locked

Fill large glass with cold water from refrigerator to take upstairs

Go upstairs

Put on pajamas

Do evening exercises in guest room. Ab crunch, side pulls, sit ups, back curls, hip flex, cat and cow

Breathe long and deep

Relax

Put distilled water in CPAP machine

Go back downstairs for glass of water I left on counter

Go back upstairs

Take full pill and half pill. Bite second one in half

Turn pill bottles upside down so I’ll know I took the pills

“Could you please see if the fireplace door is closed?”

Go back down and check. Yes, fireplace door closed

While I’m down, check water level in piano humidifier

See if cat is in. Yes, zonked out on living room sofa

Go upstairs

Apply fungal ointment to toenails

Check if there’s water in CPAP machine. Guess I already filled it

Did I lock all the doors? Go back down and make rounds for all five doors

Check side door again because I’m not sure if I started with that one

Double check garage door. It’s down. Hybrid car not secretly running

Seasonal: Use key fobs to check if both cars in driveway are locked

Go back upstairs

Turn on overhead fan in bedroom

Lower windows that my wife has opened wide

Apply skin lotion

Gather clothes for morning walk so I won’t have to disturb my wife in morning

Put clothes in guest room

Get in bed

Get up to make sure all walking gear is in guest room

Go back to bedroom for underpants

Put cell phone on charger in guest room

Set alarm on wrist watch

Get glasses to put with morning walking gear

Go downstairs to find glasses

Make sure cat is on sofa

While down, go to basement and do upper body stretches on workout machine. Forgot to do them earlier

Come upstairs to first floor. Check all doors

Go back to basement to get cell phone I left while doing stretches

Realize that phone is on charger in guest room

Go upstairs two flights to double check that phone is in guest room

Double check fireplace door on way up

Go to bedroom and take orthotics out of loafers to put in running shoes in guest room for morning walk

Go downstairs to find running shoes

Check front door on way down

Remember that running shoes are in car. In garage

Seasonal: running shoes in car in driveway

Go into garage and get running shoes from car

Bring running shoes inside

Seasonal (Summer): Check that both cars are locked. Click key fob

Make sure garage door is down

Check all five doors

Check again on side door. Not sure I started there

Go upstairs

Take running shoes to guest room to insert orthotics

Realize orthotics are on floor of closet in bedroom. Next to loafers. Bring them to guest room

Brush teeth

Get in bed

Turn Ipad screen to night mode so I won’t disturb my wife

Read

Get up and go to john

Come back, sit on window seat to put on foot ointment

Get back in bed

Get up and open window some more

Go downstairs and take wallet out of kitchen drawer, so burglar will have to come upstairs and confront me if he wants money

Seasonal (summer) only: Find car keys and check to see if cars in driveway are locked

Check all doors

Go upstairs

Put walking cane next to bed in case I wake up with vertigo

Get in bed

Rearrange pillows

Double check to see if walking cane is there

Get up to make sure I took pills; yes, pill bottles are turned upside down

Get back in bed

Turn off Ipad

Get up and go to john

Check to see if I put water in CPAP machine. Guess I did

Get in bed

Pull CPAP strap over head

Air is leaking, so get up and replace nose pillows with new pair that fits better

While up, see if walking clothes are still in guest room

And make sure orthotics are in running shoes

Get back in bed

Pull CPAP strap over head

Wait for air to flow

Close eyes

Goodnight, everyone

The Writers Group meets upstairs at the Library every Wednesday night at 7pm. All welcome.