Writers’ Group: Humorous Essay on Getting Old…
. . . . before I sleep
By Robert Rabin
“Before you come up, can you check the garage door?”
Check. Garage door is down
Push button to lock door from kitchen to garage
Check other doors: Side door to driveway, back door to patio, other side door to screened porch, front door
Turn handle and pull each one hard
Turn on table lamp in dining room to ward off burglars
Same for ceiling light in back vestibule
Did I check garage door? Yes, it’s down
Make sure hybrid car is turned off and not accidentally running in garage, asphyxiating us
Seasonal (summer): click key fobs and watch for yellow tail lights to blink, to make sure cars in driveway are locked
Double check that all five doors are locked
Fill large glass with cold water from refrigerator to take upstairs
Go upstairs
Put on pajamas
Do evening exercises in guest room. Ab crunch, side pulls, sit ups, back curls, hip flex, cat and cow
Breathe long and deep
Relax
Put distilled water in CPAP machine
Go back downstairs for glass of water I left on counter
Go back upstairs
Take full pill and half pill. Bite second one in half
Turn pill bottles upside down so I’ll know I took the pills
“Could you please see if the fireplace door is closed?”
Go back down and check. Yes, fireplace door closed
While I’m down, check water level in piano humidifier
See if cat is in. Yes, zonked out on living room sofa
Go upstairs
Apply fungal ointment to toenails
Check if there’s water in CPAP machine. Guess I already filled it
Did I lock all the doors? Go back down and make rounds for all five doors
Check side door again because I’m not sure if I started with that one
Double check garage door. It’s down. Hybrid car not secretly running
Seasonal: Use key fobs to check if both cars in driveway are locked
Go back upstairs
Turn on overhead fan in bedroom
Lower windows that my wife has opened wide
Apply skin lotion
Gather clothes for morning walk so I won’t have to disturb my wife in morning
Put clothes in guest room
Get in bed
Get up to make sure all walking gear is in guest room
Go back to bedroom for underpants
Put cell phone on charger in guest room
Set alarm on wrist watch
Get glasses to put with morning walking gear
Go downstairs to find glasses
Make sure cat is on sofa
While down, go to basement and do upper body stretches on workout machine. Forgot to do them earlier
Come upstairs to first floor. Check all doors
Go back to basement to get cell phone I left while doing stretches
Realize that phone is on charger in guest room
Go upstairs two flights to double check that phone is in guest room
Double check fireplace door on way up
Go to bedroom and take orthotics out of loafers to put in running shoes in guest room for morning walk
Go downstairs to find running shoes
Check front door on way down
Remember that running shoes are in car. In garage
Seasonal: running shoes in car in driveway
Go into garage and get running shoes from car
Bring running shoes inside
Seasonal (Summer): Check that both cars are locked. Click key fob
Make sure garage door is down
Check all five doors
Check again on side door. Not sure I started there
Go upstairs
Take running shoes to guest room to insert orthotics
Realize orthotics are on floor of closet in bedroom. Next to loafers. Bring them to guest room
Brush teeth
Get in bed
Turn Ipad screen to night mode so I won’t disturb my wife
Read
Get up and go to john
Come back, sit on window seat to put on foot ointment
Get back in bed
Get up and open window some more
Go downstairs and take wallet out of kitchen drawer, so burglar will have to come upstairs and confront me if he wants money
Seasonal (summer) only: Find car keys and check to see if cars in driveway are locked
Check all doors
Go upstairs
Put walking cane next to bed in case I wake up with vertigo
Get in bed
Rearrange pillows
Double check to see if walking cane is there
Get up to make sure I took pills; yes, pill bottles are turned upside down
Get back in bed
Turn off Ipad
Get up and go to john
Check to see if I put water in CPAP machine. Guess I did
Get in bed
Pull CPAP strap over head
Air is leaking, so get up and replace nose pillows with new pair that fits better
While up, see if walking clothes are still in guest room
And make sure orthotics are in running shoes
Get back in bed
Pull CPAP strap over head
Wait for air to flow
Close eyes
Goodnight, everyone
The Writers Group meets upstairs at the Library every Wednesday night at 7pm. All welcome.